Category Archives: Funny, messy

Little Women Of Atlanta Review 

Now I rarely do Unreality TV show reviews BUT, I like LWOA… so lesgo! 

First stop Minnie & Mamaville…chile I did a post of Minnie and her mama last season after the “chicken lives matter” episode https://cocktailsnchatter.com/2016/07/24/mama-nooooo/ so I’ll keep this short and quick.  Minnie has no individuality (and it’s not due to lack of skillset or capability), a jealous heart, victim-ism and peekaboo sociopath tendencies…basically Minnie is a basket case and she get it from her mama.  The End. 

Tanya, Tanya, Tanya…girlfriend I see through all that passive aggressive, low whisper ass vernacular, run your bulky ass away when you’re pulled to the carpet ass facade you put out.  You lay your ass down with these men WHICH LET ME MAKE CLEAR is totally your business because your kids look loved and well taken care of, but my fake beef with you is what you’re expecting from a man that showed you who he was long before LWOA!   Got this boy carrying you through parking lots on his hip like you need a diaper change…girl bye! You have LOW self esteem and you turn it into victim-ism, I hate that shat!  However, I’m sure it’s directly related to your midgetness (yes I made that word up) And stop all that whispering when you talk like you’re a member of the Jacksons! 

Then we have the TWIN, who’s about to mess up her money over an ain shat boy who treats running away like it’s a paying gig and returns because your door revolves like Macys at Christmas time.  

So when you screw up you & your sister’s potential to make mad money to take care of your precious babies and bring them together so you can be the awesome mom you desire then tf what?  I’ll tell you!  You’ll be trapped in unreality TV forever getting pennies while they make millions off you climbing up on barstools to still twerk at the local bah.  This isn’t what your daddy showed you so BOSS UP! Stop saying “my kids my kids” when really it’s this soft tissue ass boy you’re running behind…and all the running he’s doing he’s either running to another woman or running to his probation checks…another girl bye! 

Monie girl…you’re ok with me!  You’re displaying growth in your attitude, behaviors and professionalism.  You have pursued your dream of doing voiceovers which I think is brilliant when you unlock your gifts.  You’re desiring a stronger relationship with your son and I love the way you assume responsibility for your shat!  

However, you’re going to lose that man of yours if you don’t grow a few inches in the relationship realm.  You’re doing stupid stuff, especially on camera.  He doesn’t even look at you as loving as he used to (IMO), but he’s still there in your corner so you still got him.  Girl listen he’s a truck driver so he spends large amounts of time on the road…alone.  That’s a lot of time to think, assume, analyze and interpret.  You can either be the flower that fragrance his life or the thorn that causes pain.  Don’t let unreality tv send you to that sunken place..the relationship graveyard.  He’s not a Hollywood dude from what I gather so “Monie” on tv does not impress him one bit! 

Miss Juicy Baby…I likes you, I like you on the radio with RS and you’re really funny, but I can’t fvvx with you outside of that.  Nope, nada, no ma’am!  You seem messy, loose lipped, and a high key shit starter.  You do/say shitvto see people’s reaction knowing it’s messy.  Yep all the things that will get a chicken wang thrown on ya head…oh wait that happened already LOL! 

You just seem too old for the way unreality TV is portraying you.  I mean I know the editing room stay busy with trickery but they’re getting the material from somewhere so what’s the tea Juicy!  Iz you finished or iz you done? Is the question.  People in your age group want to see growth and maturity, way more than this stunted growth behavior (no pun intended I think).  Juicy, you already got the gimmick on lock. You’ve reeled us in with your radio show and funny personality, now keep us!  Don’t let the rich tv people screw up what you’ve built.  Low key check they ass and build your brand on concrete vs. sand on their dime and time!



Harpo who dis woman? She purdy but her storyline is like paint drying.  


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Movie Time In July

Ok I’m a sucker for a great comedy.  Like a really a LOL, spit out your drink, tears, catch your breath comedy.  If I was able to make a comedy my starting line up would be MELISSA MCCARTHY, JENNIFER LEWIS AND MO’NIQUE.  That’s like my comedy holy trinity but if I can’t have them I’ll take the cast of “Girl’s Trip”

“Four friends (Regina Hall, Jada Pinkett Smith, TIFFANY HADDISH, Queen Latifah) are in for the adventure of a lifetime when they travel to New Orleans for the annual Essence Festival. Along the way, they rekindle their sisterhood and rediscover their wild side by doing enough dancing, drinking, brawling and romancing to make the Big Easy” 

https://youtu.be/2A3TcTcnYFQ 

Production company: Will Packer Productions

You think this will be a cool comedy or the best parts will be shown in the previews? You know how holloywood play us.  Oh well I’ll be there with a homegirl or two, yes we will have our big purses with our food (hot wings are my movie food of choice), snacks (licorice or snicker) and wine (can’t forget your bottled water)…and if it’s a pay day weekend we’ll splurge on theater nachos with jalapeños!  Shaddup don’t judge LOL

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Tax Time Frauds

Well it’s about that time y’all! Tax season and the crooks are fresh out of training and ready to take your money in name of the IRS LMAO! Shut them down quick! Inform the elderly we have to make sure our elders are informed and safe, because they target them heavily. 

So after one of threatened to take my home and car and painted a picture of doom for me and my cats (which I don’t have but told him “NOOOO NOT MY CATS!!!) I just laughed in his face, gave a fake cc number, threw a few cuss words, talked about his mama and carried on with life… yep #teampetty 


Another clue is the number is not a valid number if you call back.  I do block their numbers on my cell phone.  I’m also safely assuming that most know the IRS NEVER NEVER NEVER CALLS YOU…and they definitely NEVER ASK FOR PAYMENT OR A CC# OVER YOUR DAMN PHONE! If you don’t know now you do.  

Here’s a few examples or your reading pleasure…

“Criminal lawsuit filed against you your case number is I _⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_ the moment you receive this message I need you to return the call issue at hand is extremely time sensitive the hotline to my desk is 315-370-1366 I repeat _⁠_⁠_⁠_ 315370136 don’t disregard this message do return the call now if you don’t return the call and I don’t hear from your attorney either then the only thing I can do is wish you a good luck as the situation unfolds on you goodbye goodbye…”

“Now at the end of this message you will be _⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_⁠_ a chance to rectify our settle this case so you hereby asked to call back the treasury or the IRS departments as soon as possible on our direct line 646-895-6773 I repeat it’s 646-895-6773 thank you have a nice day…”

You’re Welcome 

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And Then Came Boot Camp…

Get your glass because I’m on one!


How in THEE fuq do you go to the gym on a regular basis and sign up for a low level boot camp and feel like you have muscular dystrophy? Huh? What? Can somebody please answer this? Hands?

Listen! I was referred to a cool boot camp by my natural hairstylist, https://www.facebook.com/BraidsnTwistsnNaturalHairCare/, cost friendly (because y’all know boot camps is like a mortgage. Worth it but daaaaaamn), cool atmosphere and it goes hard in the paint but not lifting a 150lb tire and running through the forest hard.  So my husband was like “I got you” I was like “oooooo boo a coochie coupon for you” 


Anyhoo, I got some things I have to tighten up.  WHAT woman over the age of 30 don’t.  I have family members getting married, I have wardrobes changes I’m dreaming about, I’m vain af, I have a handsome husband that keeps it looking good, he’s gotten a little grown man weight on him that looks swell and overall just some personal health goals I want to keep in tact.  Now what I can’t do is all them contraptions to create the illusion…nope!  I like my rib cage where it is, I like my bladder to work properly and I like to breath…normally. So with this being said, I rather just get it tight and right by putting in the work.  Shat who I’m kidding, I don’t have the 10k for the plastic surgery I want, wait! Hmmm maybe I’ll start me a go fu…never mind (note to self check into that). 

So first day of class, first 5 minutes I’m good, friendly atmosphere, music is FIRE, squeezing in a booty pop here and there and I’m pretty familiar with the exercises.  Then I come back from a lap and found out that was just the ga-damn warm up…da entire fuq in all the United Nations States of all the Americas! Just! Like! That! I think she tried to kill me or maybe I’ve been bs’n in the gym.  “I’ll take bs’n in the gym for the win Alex” when you have a structured atmosphere and somebody on you pushing pass your comfort zone then real shit happens. What I do like is the realistic, common sense meal plan that I’m sure I’m going to play around with but it’s very doable and one that will keep me from becoming an unibomber because I’m dying for a piece of bread.

Well I made it the entire 45 minutes 

but a win is a win.  I will be returning.  All I can say is, I better be a size 2 1/2 with a 10″ waist and thighs that can crush a walnut when this is all said and done. I already hate exercising and CocktailsnChatter stay in my ear like “walking to the counter to order your food is cardio” so like your muffin top the struggle continues…Where’s my damn epsom sawt. Xoxo

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Let’s chat.  Who’s in a boot camp? What was your experience? 

Scriptures For Hooping It Up

Thou shalt not EVER speak ill of hoop earrangs!  They are never out of season, never hood and never ever BASIC! Let’s discuss.  Earlosians 1:1


From The swap Meet, to the Walmart, to the Target, to the Macy’s, to the HSN, to the Bloomingdales.  From white gold, sterling silver, brass, 14k, diamond studded Swarovski crystals, name plates, bamboo, wrapped in material or the earrangs that make your ear lobes itch (reaches for Neosporin LOL)…ROCK THEM BITCHES like Prince rocked heels..with swag, style and class. Earlosians 1: 2-10


Anyone feeling me?  Hands? 

What’s your favorite earring style?  Holla at ya girl CocktailsnChatter 

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Old Skool vs. New Skool

Kids: Mommy we’re out of glass cleaner! Guess we can’t clean the mirrors, oh well.

Me: No we are not.

Kids: Yes we are mommy, see empty.

Me: No. We are out of windex but we are not out of window cleaner

Kids: 

Me: Hand me the vinegar and fill that bottle with water

Kids:

Mama:


The End 

Score: Mama 1- Kids 0

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